Bite your teeth into the ass of life

About Doozler

Go on in!  Meet the people at Doozler!

From our head office in Smithereens, New Mexico.  There’s a good chance you know someone who has been blown there.  The staff just love it there.  The office motto is:  “Eat, drink and be merry.  For tomorrow you could be in Utah.”

Meet our receptionist, La-ia.  That’s pronounced, La-dash-ia.

The guy with the bow-tie is our chief political writer, Fox Foxerson former political aide to the former senior Senator from New Mexico, Sexton Hardcastle. 

The girl with the beehive hair-do is the entertainment correspondent Wishona Star.  You may have heard of Wishona.  She invented the boyfriend arm pillow for girls who don’t have boyfriends. 

Standing next to Wishona, the girls wearing the same outfits are  fashion writers Julia and Suzanne Sugarbaker.  The Sugarbaker twins are former sweat consultants on the TV show American Gladiators. 

A lot of people ask us about the origin of Doozler’s motto, “Bite your teeth into the the ass of life.”

It comes actually  from our founder and publisher Dexter B. Haven.  Haven says the phrase came to him while observing an altercation between Doozler the dog, our office mascot and Butts McCracken the security guard. Doozler has the quaint habit of following Butts into the men’s room where he just sits down in front of Butts and stares at him. We think Doozler is inspired to do this by Butts’ looks.  It is said that Butts’ daddy was the source of the expression “His face could make a freight train take a dirt road.”  Sorry, Butts. 

Butts puts on a good show.  He wears a tough guy t shirt with:  “I eat lightning and crap thunder” on it.  But Doozler scares the shit out of him. 

Well, on this day Doozler escalated things to a new level.  He chased Butts around the office and finally caught him in a rear assault.  Later, we were disturbed to find that Doozler was studying anatomy on the internet.  In particular, the location of the femoral artery. 

In any event, the site of the two scuffling in the middle of the newsroom coined the motto:  “Bite your teeth into the ass of life.”  Doozler owns the right to it.  So watch out. 

Rounding out the staff is our fashion editor the once lovely Anastasia Beaverhausen who bears an amazing resemblance to the accountant of the late Ingrid Bergman.  Her favorite grievance is fat women who wear tight clothing.  Spandex is a privilege, she says, not a right.   “You don’t have to hoochify yourself to be beautiful,” is the fashion rule she lives by. 

Our sports editor and golf expert is Shiver McTimbers who is just now finishing his book “Making money by poking things with a stick.”

It is rumored that our religion editor is Brobi Wan Kanobi.  We say rumored because the man hasn’t spoken to anyone in three months.  “I only speak when I have to,” he says.  The last time he said something it was, “The lion knows about 40 stories, but all of them are about fruit.”  We sort of leave Brobi to sort out the universe on his own.

Thanks for taking the office tour of Doozler.  If you’re ever in New Mexico come and see us in Smithereens.  Many visitors say they are blown away.